


Fields of unrelenting grey

by Withsoulsmadeofflames



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Late Night Conversations, Morality, Sibling Bonding, Taako centric, That's it, i just summed it all up in 8 words, its uplifting at the end i promise, taako is concerned with whether they're good people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 22:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15716037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Withsoulsmadeofflames/pseuds/Withsoulsmadeofflames
Summary: "Are we bad people?"A simple question: seven different answers from the seven most important people in Taako's life. He's pretty sure he knows the answer (no) but sometimes you can do nothing but ask.Pretty much, a Taako centric fic where he bonds with the seven through one question about mortality.





	1. Lup

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in the works for months but I thought that the anniversary of the end of Balance was as good a time as any.  
> Enjoy.

I see only fields of unrelenting grey.

Grey, the rainsky color.  
Nor black nor white  
A muddled marriage of dark and light,  
The blurring color:  
The chosen shade of doubt.

Many things are grey  
As grey is many things  
Grey the time between sleeping and waking,  
Grey the slow day hours of lonely lives  
Morality a grey word  
For grey is forever uncertain  
Down all the long channels of cherished belief  
Run currents of grey,  
The color of doubt

* * *

"Do you think we're bad people?"

The kitchen of the Starblaster is small and high tech - far more modern than any of the other places they've worked in. It's amazing, the kind of place that they used to dream about owning, but, between the clean walls and minimalist design, there's nowhere to hide.

When he asks Lup, she pauses to give Taako A Look. He shies away from her stare, ducking his head and focusing very intensely on the sauce he's mixing. She raises a brow in a sculpted arch. "Does it matter?"

"Just-" He smiles his stage smile - the one that dazzles everyone. To Lup, it just looks tacky. She can tell by the dead look in his eyes and the way his voice cracks that he is putting up a front. "Just havin' a moment, Lulu, ch'boy Taako's just- I'm fine now!"

"No, Taako, why?" She looks confused but slowly resumes chopping. Her concerned eyes make him want to run. "You've never worried about this before."

The twins were always on the same frequency. Since the days when their lives depended on entire spoken in nonchalant looking glances, they've always been able to understand each other as well as themselves. Of course, they still can (they're pretty sure Davenport believes they're telepathic) and Taako can't imagine that ever changing-

_(Taako Taaco kills forty at his show, Sizzle It Up With Taako.)_

-but they're different now. The few cycles have changed them - they're no longer attached at the hip.

"I just-" It's the early days, when he still cared about the people they left behind. Before he learnt that his crew were the only ones that mattered, everyone else just extras in their story, speaking but never really counting. Always just making up the crowd. How can he put these thoughts into words? The doubt? The hours pacing the length of the ship, thoughts buzzing too loud to meditate? He's never been good with words like Lucretia or feelings like Magnus.

Because he can't even fathom encompassing all the feelings he should not be feeling but is into words, he settles for: "We leave whole worlds to die." It doesn't feel like enough.

Lup, of course, understands because how could she not? Her eyes soften and she sets down her knife and steps closer to him. "There are no bad people. Taako." Her words are slow and weighty, like she's speaking to a child. She brings her hands up to touch his face but is not sure if she should and ends up hovering them near him, almost touching but not quite. "Especially when you've been through all that we have. Babe, we all have light and dark inside of us. Everyone does. There are no good people and no bad people; just people. People who are trying to cope with the cards that life has dealt them."

He nods. The movement is jerky but it helps tether him to reality. He feels far away and leans into her touch. Her hands feather over his face the way their aunt's used to, brushing his cheekbones and ghosting over his hair. Everything is still strangely bright.

"We're just trying to deal with our cards. And trust me buddy, these are some shitty cards."

She surges forward and wraps her arms around him. He takes a few seconds to react but they cling to each other until Magnus wanders in, complaining very loudly and unsubtly that he's hungry. He spots the pair and backs out awkward apologies spilling from his mouth.

The moment passes and they laugh the nervous tension away and resume cooking but she can't miss the lack of fluidity in his movement and he notices every time she looks at him when she thinks he's not looking, equal parts concerned and confused.

He's seen this expression on her before but never directed at him. It's unnerving and doesn't help the dissociation. (At this point, though, he is so spacey that he doesn't think anything she could do would help the dissociation.)

Dinner burns. It's his fault.

Later, long past everyone has gone to sleep, they lay together on the grassy bank the Starblaster is parked on.

The neon lights from the ship cast harsh shadows onto Lup's face and light her cheeks and nose bright red. She is beautiful.

They watch the stars. They look the same to the ones at home but the constellations are different, not that Taako knows many constellations. The familiar unfamiliarity is unnerving. He's always hated the worlds that look like their's the most.

"About your question earlier." He feels her shift towards him but keeps his eyes focused on the sky.

The nights are long and dark here and if they turn off all the lights, the darkness is absolute. It's all-encompassing to the point where you can't see your hand an inch from your face, even with dark vision. It's beautiful. In the night, he feels safe.

"Talk to me."

He takes a shaky breath, barely trusting his voice to work. "I hardly even care. We don't do anything. We don't warn people. We don't-"

Her voice is low and tired. Not of him or his doubt but tired of the world. Still, it holds a patience that he could never muster. "We _do_ try, though. Sure, we _can't_ stop the Hunger. Not yet." She pauses and her eyes are cast in shadow but he knows they are tired and kind and fierce. "But we are trying. By surviving, we're trying to beat it. We're doing all that we can. We've gone through shit that most people couldn't even comprehend. This is hard and you're allowed to not care sometimes. Sometimes that's the only way to survive the night. We're allowed to make mistakes, it's in our nature."

"Nuh-huh." This conversion is too much and it's hurting his head. "Sorry, Lulu, but you're wrong. I don't make mistakes."

He guesses she knows he's looking for an easy way out of the conversation but thankfully takes the bait and they laugh together like he doesn't feel a million miles away, their combined voices cutting through the quiet and it feels so natural. To be with Lup feels so natural that sometimes it physically hurts to be without her. He wraps an arm around her, both knowing he is as fragile and sharp as broken glass when he is like this.

To be understood like that, it is a blessing that so few people get. He knows it better than anyone: he is so damn lucky to have her. (Except Taako is so filled with self-hatred that he thinks of it as: _I don’t deserve her._ )

They curl up close and she conjures small balls of fire that dance above them like fireflies. They don't have fireflies here; they did at home.

"What would I do without you?" He meant for it to be a joke but his voice is a little too serious, his hands a little too desperate as they clutch hers.

"I don't know, Taako. Probably be very bored." They laugh more and it both helps to ground him and make him more spacey.

"Probably."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. My tumblr is @soulsmadeofflames so come hit me up there - I'm always down for yelling about Taz  
> Kudos and comments keep me going cause I need constant validation xx


	2. Merle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is here! Merle and his dad-wisdom arrive.  
> Enjoy

Taako is pretty sure that he and Merle are going to die today.

They've got precisely zero spell slots between them and less survival skills and have been walking for at least nineteen (eight) hours now.

"Do you think we're bad people?"

Merle laughs and then there is a pause. "What? You serious?"

Taako doesn't reply, instead studying the trees around them as they walk. They're strange: twisted and gnarled and a colour impossible to describe, something he would never have even imagined before they left.

Merle pauses thoughtfully, "Nah, not us."

"How?" He says.

He doesn’t say: How can you possibly think that? With all that we've done, how can we not be bad people? All the years and the lives we didn't even try to save, the worlds we left oblivious to their oncoming doom, the planets we’ve run from like cowards.

Merle whistles lowly, "It's a hard question! Y'know, kid," He's not a kid; he's a hundred years older than Merle. He doesn't know exactly how old he is, just that he's lived too long. "This is why I hate long walks. They give you too much time to think."

"Plus they make your legs hurt." Taako supplies, thoroughly fed up with having to put up with Merle's complaining for the last twenty-six hours.

"Plus they make my legs hurt!" Merle agrees, laughing like the old man that he is. "I've only got little legs!"

Barely any light passes through the thick canopy of the mangled branches but in the clearings the sun is bright and warm. Taako walks at an amble to match Merle's pitiful pace. The dying grass crunches under their feet and his arms and legs burn with scratches from pushing through the thick, dry undergrowth.

"I think that there are much worse people." Merle is speaking in the same tone he uses to teach the natives about Pan, all full of wonder and faith. It usually makes Taako feel sick but just this once it's comforting (not that he will  _ ever  _ admit that to anyone). "Even though we've done some bad stuff, it's for a good cause. We're against the Hunger so we must be good!"

Taako can find a number of glaringly obvious loopholes in that argument but Merle sounds so much like he truly believes it that Taako almost feels bad for disagreeing.

"That's not how it works, Merle."  _ Almost. _

Merle ignores him, maintaining his cheery tone. "I talk with John-" Not John; the Hunger. Taako will never understand how Merle calls him that so nonchalantly, like they are friends. Like he hasn't killed worlds and them more times than they can count.

"The Hunger."

"I talk with  _ John,"  _ Merle repeats sternly, looking over his glasses at Taako the way he imagines a dad would. "quite a lot about morality. His view is a little more nihilistic, I suppose." He laughs, fondly. "Bit extreme, if you ask me.”

Taako snorts and marvels at how Merle's sense of humor has stayed in tact through everything. The trees around them shudder in the strong gusts of wind and Taako pulls his blood-red cloak tighter around himself, cursing the damned weather.

"Y'know, Taako. When I was young, I grew up in this tiny society of dwarves. We were beach dwarves. Back then, I hated it. I thought it was too small. Now, I don't know. I don't think I'd want to go back." He gestures around himself vaguely, at the knotted trees and the singular sun. "I mean, who could give up this?"

Taako doesn't answer. Right now, he's pretty sure that he'd give all of this up to be on some sunny beach somewhere.

"But sometimes... Ah, I don't know! It's was simpler back then. No worlds to save or big, bad, evil villains to escape. No parley with John. No dying. Jesus, Taako, remember not dying!" He laughs heartily. "It just seems so long ago. Back when my only problem was how I was gonna get out of Pan Camp. Almost feels like that was a different person."

Taako smiles. As young as he looks and feels, sometimes it's nice to find someone who understands the nostalgia of living too long. "I don't even know how old I am."

Merle nods, smiling like he just got Taako to confess all of his emotions. "Lup probably knows."

"Probably."

The conversation lulls into a comfortable silence as they keep on walking. The light shifts downwards, edging lower to the horizon, and casts long, twisted shadows over the ground. Merle's face passes in and out of the light and he watches the scarce live under grow with an interest that Taako tries to ignore the implications of. Merle has a long cut down his head that has long since scabbed over, leaving dried blood over his face.

The wind snatches at his hair and cloak and screams through the trees. Taako's feet and legs and whole body aches because, though the ground had been mostly flat, it's just been so long and Taako is _ not  _ a fan of walking. He pushes Merle up a ledge, complaining dramatically, and then hoists himself up.

He brushes himself off, grumbling about the dust ruining his clothes and Merle smiles at him like he knows the key to Taako's probably-dead-at-this-point-because-he's-been-walking-for-49-hours soul. "Y'know, kid, everything's gonna be alright."

Taako rolls his eyes, muttering a complaint and walks a few paces ahead so he can ignore Merle. After a while, he starts to feel a kind of whispering the back of his mind - the light of creation’s thrall - which means it’s close.

He picks up the pace to a normal walk, forcing Merle to jog to keep up and follows the light's draw until he reaches a small clearing where it sits inoffensively in one of the lower limbs of a tree, just above Taako's head height and way above Merle's.

Taako scowls at the light, hating the control it has over him, hating the way that it will cause the destruction of whole worlds without even knowing it and hating that it's not even conscious enough for him to hate it properly.

But Taako knows that when Merle looks at the light he doesn't see something to hate; he sees hope. Hope for what is to come, hope that things will be better, hope that the others will find them and they won't have to freakin'  walk anymore.

Merle glances up at Taako and smiles and says, "Told you it'll all be fine."

Taako wishes he had at least one spell slot so that he could magic missile Merle in his stupid, dad-like face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.  
> Next chap should be up in a couple of days - it's Maggie next  
> I'm @soulsmadeofflames on tumblr so come yell at me there if you want  
> Hope you enjoyed


	3. Magnus

When you can't die (not  _ really _ ), death becomes not much more than a minor inconvenience. And you get lazy and stupid and sloppy. Reckless.

And then you learn and you die and you die and you die, in the most horrific ways imaginable, and one year someone will get ripped apart or die struggling and fighting and  _ so close  _ and everyone will get careful again. But it wears off, as you die and come back again and again, ad nauseam, until you stop taking risks because your definition of risks change.

Until the problem isn't dying - it's not dying. The cycles - like this and the many others that will follow it, but this is the first - of missing limbs and failed senses.

Or both. ( _ Hint: they suck _ , Lucretia will scrawl in her journal when it comes to recounting the year.)

Taako remembers pain and fear and not much else. He members his face burning and his eyes burning and why can't he see anything?

Then, Merle on one side and Lup on the other. Merle barking instructions and Lup just repeating  _ oh god, oh god, oh god _ , like some old, broken, horrified record. And strong arms envelop him and he things  _ Magnus _ . He thinks  _ safety, warmth _ and then:  _ pain _ . And then he passes out and doesn't think anything else.

Afterwards, Davenport tells him with a clipped voice barely hiding an ocean of hurt at seeing one of his friends, his children, in this much pain that Merle did all that he could but nothing could've saved the damage done to his eyes.

And, from what he pressured Lucretia into telling him afterwards, he's probably lucky that he can't see the wreck that is his face.

A month and six days later, Magnus got too lazy, stupid, sloppy, too reckless and Merle had to cut off his arm to save him.

Cycle twenty-seven and they were already figuring out that maybe dying wasn't the worst thing they would face on their journey.

Months later, the air is peaceful and hushed and Taako still hates mornings but  _ goddamn.  _ The birds are singing and the sun will be warm once it comes up, he can already tell. His footsteps are quiet on the grass and when he finds a place to sit, it's damp with morning dew.

He stays there for a while, relishing the breeze on his face until he hears footsteps, slow and lumbering, and knows that it's Magnus. Neither say anything as Magnus joins him on the floor.

"Taako." He says after a few minutes and Taako feels him shifting uncomfortably, "I'm sorry about your eyes."

Taako gets the impulse to roll said eyes but the pain reminds him that he can't. It no longer scares him. "It's fine, Maggie, wasn't your fault."

"I just can't help but feel-"

"Yes, Magnus, I know. You can't  _ help but feel _ ." He lounges back, feigning nonchalance. "But it wasn't your fault I  _ looked at _ the bomb." He knows he should stop, not let his anger show. It's what a kinder person would do.

But Taako is not a kinder person so he continues, the bite of resentment clear in his voice. "Anyway, you can't save everyone. Why bother?"

As soon as it leaves his mouth, Taako regrets it because Magnus takes a sharp breath in, like Taako has punched him in the gut. Or someone much larger and strong had punched him in the gut.

Magnus is far too sensitive and Taako is an asshole. Two facts of life.

Still, when Magnus reacts to Taako's words like they hurt more than all the actual, physical pain Taako's seen him go through, he does feel a bit bad.

"I'm just... sorry." And, oh boy, now he feels a lot bad.

Something snaps in the woods behind them and Taako's ears swivel downwards and he whips round, wand immediately drawn. He knows from experience that the smooth, soft lines of Magnus' body have gone sharp and harsh.

"What is it?" Taako hates not knowing more than anything except, perhaps, Greg Grimaldis. He readies to fire something - anything - that will help him to know but it's futile. All of the magicians on the ship have checked time and time again for spells that will let him see so he knows there's no point.

He feels Magnus relax next to him, "Chill, it's just a squirrel."

Taako swears and slumps in defeat but  _ doesn't  _ ask for help.

Magnus, not responding to his not-ask for help, wraps an arm around Taako, who stiffens momentarily before relaxing and leaning into Magnus' warmth.

And so, Magnus doesn't lead Taako, their arms intertwined, narrating slowly where they're going and warning Taako about the roots on the ground.

"There are trees. There's loads of them and they're... they’re green."

"Green?" Taako asks, wishing that he wasn't over-exaggerating his emotions like he would onstage but unable to stop himself. If he didn't, he'd have to be actually, genuinely vulnerable and no thank you, Taako’s good out here. "You got anything better than green?"

"I don't know, what do you want me to say?" Taako may not be able to picture the exact shade of the trees but he can see Magnus's face, a mix of confusion and a scowl.

"Pretend you're Lucretia, I don't know!"

"The trees are the colour of the grass on a February morning. There! That sounds poetic. They're brighter than... I have no clue." He sighs, sounding older than his twenty-something year old body has any right to be. "I'm not good at this."

Taako laughs and it's genuine - he's not even putting on a show of his emotions for once. "No shit."

Magnus’ words may be clumsier than Lucretia's but Taako appreciates the effort.

They're quiet for a while, the crunching of leaves under their feet the only sound. The sun is warm but the wind is cold and Taako pulls his fluffy coat around himself. He knows that he should say something, because Magnus seems too quiet to be okay, but he’s left fumbling for  _ what _ . He’s not good at this. "Does it hurt? Your arm?"

In the distance, a bird chirps. The leaves of the trees rustle in the wind, the colour of the grass on a February morning.

Magnus gulps, "Yeah. It does." Taako knows that Magnus is looking down at his feet. "Sometimes I- I don't know. This is gonna sound weird but I can still feel it, like it’s there. And that hurts. A lot."

Taako nods even though he doesn't understand because nodding is what you do to make people think you understand them. See? Human interactions are easy - you've just got to work out the rules and you're set. (It doesn't occur to Taako that this is probably not the way everyone else sees conversation and even if it /did, he wouldn’t ask anyone)

"Y'know, I love you Taaks." Magnus' voice is soft and Taako realises that he's probably been quiet for too long.

"Don't call me Taaks."

"But Lup does-"

"Yeah, no." Taako says and they both laugh, the unspoken knowledge that he'd avoided the whole 'I love you' part almost palpable in the air between them.

After they've finished laughing, Magnus says, "Sorry." because Magnus is Magnus and he moves his arm to around Taako's shoulders. And then, right as the Starblaster is coming into view through the trees, he says, so low that Taako could pretend he didn't hear, "You're a good person, Taako."

He didn't even have to ask.

Together, as they board the Starblaster and Taako breathes a sigh of relief because this is so familiar that he can navigate it with or without his sight, they pretend that no one notices that Magnus' arm is leading Taako more than comforting him.

It's still pretty comforting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm @soulsmadeofflames at tumblr  
> Hope you enjoyed, comment and kudos if you liked it please  
> Next up is Dav so look forward to that


	4. Davenport

Davenport and Taako sit together on top of a cliff, far closer to the edge that sober Davenport would ever allow. A half empty bottle of wine sits between them and they each hold a glass.

They watch the sunset, casting brilliant greens and blues across the sky. Taako knows that there are more colours to the view than he can see - one of the native children tried to describe them to him and Lup. The couldn't even begin to comprehend the new colours but they sounded equally as beautiful as the child futility trying to explain something they couldn’t fathom.

So, Davenport and Taako sit a foot apart, their legs dangling off the edge of a cliff, watching the sun and the waves dancing beneath them. The cliff is not small but the wind is strong enough that the massive waves almost reach them.

"I like this world," Davenport remarks, waving his wine glass around extravagantly. Taako doesn't see how anyone couldn't - this place is vivid and bright and has amazing new tastes and colours they’ve never experienced before. "But I liked the old one better."

Taako laughs. When he is drunk, Davenport makes conversation easy enough that Taako almost feels amiable. "I think we all did, Dav."

"That's Cap'nport to you!" Davenport is more than a bit drunk. "No, wait. No, not Capn'port. Captain- Captain Davenport. That's Captain Davenport to you!"

Taako chuckles, leans back onto his arms and watches the star-less sky above them.

Davenport stays quiet for a while as he idly sips his drink. "When we defeat the Hunger, what do you think you'll do?"

Dropping his eyes to the fading colours on the horizon, Taako pauses to think. It's not a question he's really thought about before or one he  _ wants  _ to think about much. "Stay with Lup, of course. Travel. Cook. I could become a world-famous chef." He smiles at the prospect. "I could just become world famous, period. When you're as great as I am, you have these kinds of options, you see."

_ Lup will leave me.  _ He thinks. He tries not to think.  _ She will settle down and that will never be enough for me. She will live comfortable, maybe with Barry, and have too many friends and be adored. She will be contented in her life in the quiet after the Hunger. And I will try, for her, but I will never be satisfied with that. I will leave and be alone and never stop moving. I will suffer and crumble under the boredom of reality. How can you go back to life after what we have seen? How can you face life after immortality? After the urgency of only having a year and dying and dying and dying? _

Taako is helpless in envisioning the future that he knows will unfold.

Davenport understands, even if Taako doesn't say anything. He recognises the way that just for a moment Taako eyes go glazed and he looks deeply sad.

"I'm going to get a boat," Davenport says, still gesturing wildly and taking a long sip from his wine glass. "And I'm gonna travel and not stop. Explore. Can you imagine settling down after all we've been through? Getting married? Having kids?" He pulls an exaggerated face. "No thanks!"

Taako smiles, reckoning that out of everyone Davenport understands the most. They all know that this mission is their captain's very life. When it became bigger than it was meant to be, he took the weight of the universe on his shoulders and decided that this was his cause. The question of how he will survive without it has been shared through the crew only in worried glances.

The night continues, time flying by in front of their eyes. It doesn't matter; they have an eternity of it and here the days are long and slow. Everything takes so much time - the sun is only halfway hidden by the horizon. It works for Taako - gives him an excuse to stay in bed longer.

Davenport's eyes are glassed over when Taako glances over at him and still has to drop his gaze a few feet down after all these years because apparently, his brain can't wrap around the concept that someone with such a large personality could possibly be so small.

They are reserved enough that neither starts a conversation and years of quiet stretch out between them. The strong wind ruffles Taako's long hair and Davenport's perfectly-kept moustache.

Years later, after countless ends of the world and then a fight against the End Of The World, Taako sits on the bow of a ship, except this one blasts seas rather than stars. Foam from the waves is thrown up, peppering his feet with cold droplets. His shoes sit next to him.

Davenport pads from the back where he was fussing over the sails, as he always does. He takes a seat next to Taako, dangling his bare feet over the edge.

Maybe if you angled the camera just right or matched the colour scheme, the two scenes could be the same. Parallels a hundred years apart.

The boat bobs up and down on the slight waves, rocking gently to a slow, musicless beat.

"Are we bad people?" Taako asks, not taking his eyes off the never-ending horizon.

Davenport hangs his head, "I don't even know anymore."

The image of Taako and Davenport sat on the front of a boat, their legs dangling off the edge, the sun beating down from above them lingers, hanging motionless in the air for a moment as Istus smiles, looking proudly at what she has made.

And then it's gone but she just keeps knitting.

"Do you think we're bad people?"

But Davenport is already asleep. He is snoring quietly in a spot that would be dangerous if Taako was a less confident wizard.

So much for fatherly wisdom.

Dutifully, because he can't really leave Davenport unconscious on the edge of a cliff unsupervised and there is no way he's sitting here - on the  _ dirt  _ \- any longer than he physically has to, Taako casts levitate and walks them back to the Starblaster. He quickly dumps Davenport on the couch. One of them will probably stumble upon him in the morning and pity him enough to fetch a glass of water and dangerously strong coffee.

Taako walks immediately back to the edges of the cliff before anyone sees him being nice (he likes to pretend that the rest of the crew believe his heartless reputation). He grabs the bottle of wine and stands at the very edge, his toes poking out into open space.

His clothes whip around him in the strong wind and he's glad for the sticking spell on his hat. Minutes tick by oblivious to him as he gazes out at the horizon, his mind totally blank.

The dying light illuminates Taako's face one last time before the last of the sun concedes to the night sky and everything is dark.

He downs the last of the wine bottle and walks away in one jerky motion and walks unevenly back to the Starblaster, feeling like he's miles away. On a boat, maybe.

Nowhere, maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is @soulsmadeofflames  
> Hope you enjoyed, I really liked this chapter and I just love dav a lot  
> Comments and kudos are appreciated


	5. Lucretia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucretia! My GAL!

"Do you think we're bad people?"

Lucretia doesn't reply for a few seconds, merely continues writing. Before, she'd have looked up in surprise at both the question itself and the fact that she was being spoken to. 

Not anymore.

After she finishes her sentence, she sets both her pens down and fixes Taako with a thoughtful look. She waits a beat, whether for dramatic pause or because she's choosing her words, Taako has no clue. (She cares about drama now; he doesn't know if she should be flattered or jealous). Everything she says now seems weighted and certain, a world away from the nervous person that she was at the start of their journey.

"Who's narrating?"

Taako scowls, "What?"

"From whose perspective?" She says. "Morality is all subjective. To the Hunger, if it’s conscious, we are bad because we are opposing it. So, who's narrating?"

He wasn't ready for this but he probably should've been because this is pretty much the most Lucretia thing ever. "Subjectively?" He guesses.

"No."

He stays silent in an attempt to get her to elaborate. She doesn't.

"Lucy, you’ve gotta expand on that one a little."

She sighs. "We do what we must but, subjectively, too much of that is bad stuff."

He waits a beat, almost not wanting to ask. But, ultimately, Taako is still a little shit so he says, "And if we're the narrators?"

"Then we're the great, noble heroes who oppose the evil darkness. We do what we must, surviving against all odds to defeat the foe bigger than worlds, a fate that no one else in the universe can do. We bear the weight of the whole multiverse on our collective shoulders because we are good people, righteous people. Saints."

Once, Lucretia would've been embarrassed by one of her monologues like that. But now, it's different. Now she says her words with confidence and he’s not surprised anymore at how complicated everything she says is. Her mind must be strange.

"Why?" As she asks, her expression darkens minutely. "I spent a lot of time worrying over morality. And mortality. I mean, I'm a writer what else would I do? As you know, the latter isn't a problem anymore and the former? Well, I didn't stop until the cycle alone." She doesn't ever mention the year she spent running. He feels vaguely honoured but also undeserving. "We've done bad stuff, yes. All of us have, there's no point trying to hide from it. I just try to bear my past actions with pride. I did what I had to do, what seemed like the best option at the time. And I try to live with the consequences."

"How?"

"I don't know." She admits, with a small smile. "I'm still working on that part."

Out of everyone, Lucretia has changed the most. She was pretty much a baby when she joined, barely twenty(-ish. Taako isn't too good at ages). She seems a lifetime older now, certain where she was unsure and proactive where she was idle.

Her one constant has been her writing. Se still avidly scrawls everything she can see, hear, smell, touch, taste into her journals. He understands the need to preserve everything like that. Some days he feels crushed under the weight of all the things he is not experiencing.

She gives him a look that might be sympathetic but he feels too far away to care. "Are you alright, Taako?"

He flashes an overly fake smile, "Peachy."

She barely smiles back.

They don't talk much. Sometimes, the hang around in the same space as he practices spells and she writes. But no words are ever exchanged, they simply coexist. He hardly knows her - they're barely friends. It's a strange thought.

"Do you know how to dance? Classically? Did you do that dancing course at the Legato conservatory?"

He shakes his head, laughing fondly. "I was too busy being a celebrity."

"Would you like me to teach you?"

Taako figures he must be in a good mood (either that or he's feeling touch starved but that's  _ not  _ likely at all, nope) because he says, "Why not?"

And so, they waste the afternoon dancing, while the others are away searching for the Light. They waltz first but he picks it up so quickly that they move onto other, harder dances.

The moves are, of course, recorded in one of her journals and they learnt the ones she can barely remember together. She's clumsier than she lets on and steps on his toes a lot, cursing then immediately apologizing every time.

   The music fills and their giggles fill the room and Taako doesn't think he's ever seen Lucretia this relaxed. After what must've been hours, they collapse onto the couch, exhausted but laughing uncontrollably.

That night, once the rest of the crew returned with tired eyes and dragging feet and collapsed on their communal bed in the store cupboard (the one they only use after hard days), Taako and Lucretia sleep closer. It's subtle: Taako shifts where he lays on Magnus  - who makes an excellent pillow - to throw his legs into Lucretia's lap.

They still hang out often, not talking, but they also share Totally Done glances in group meetings and gossip in languages no one else knows. They teamed up with Magnus to beat Lup and Barry in the Epic Prank War of Cycle 76 (the shared mastermind of their final prank was enough for Davenport to ban any more pranks, ever). Of course, everyone notices everything but no one mentions it.

Individually, they all think that this maybe-kind-of-sort-of friendship is probably good for both of them. Just because they stay quiet doesn't mean they're not all looking out for each other.

And, on nights when neither can sleep, they both sit in her room, writing all their thoughts onto papers. Lucretia has a hidden drawer of Taako's journals although she's never read them.

That is until one night on the moon base that looks a little too much like the year she spent alone, when she reads them all and cries for the first time in a decade, knowing that Taako is just down the hall and doesn't remember any of it or her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, comments and share if you enjoyed  
> I'm @soulsmadeofflames on tumblr if you want (more) taz on your dash  
> uHH I sure am bad at talking so thanks, hope you enjoyed x


	6. Barry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barry! Sorry it took a while, ive been really busy.  
> This one's a bit of a weird one but I really enjoyed writing in and I like how it turned out so enjoy x

Barry is hunched over a desk, pouring over a map, scribbling notes and drawing lines and triangulating to try and find Lup. She's been missing for two months and four days now and Barry has started to get frantic. He looks like he hasn't slept for days; he probably hasn't.

(Taako and Lup always shared the opinion that humans sleep far too much but even he can see that this is unhealthy.)

#

Lup was telling a long-winded joke and holding hands with Barry. They were staring at each other like they were so, so in love.

They probably were.  _ Are _ .

Taako felt his heart beat outside of his body, wondering what being in love is like.

Lup delivered the punchline, all beaming smiles and creases around her eyes, and looked over at Taako. Barry dissolved into giggles as Taako rolled his eyes. "Heard that one before." He said, raising his voice against Barry's rising laughter. "Gotta find some new material, Lu."

#

Now, Barry couldn't seem more different. No one has heard him laugh in just over a month and he has wrinkles forming on his forehead from worry. Still, he always asks how Taako is with genuine concern. Taako recons that he should be the one asking this question but doesn't mention it.

What Taako wouldn't give to be back on the first years of their journey, unshakably optimistic and oblivious to this kind of Earth-shattering loss.

Barry startles when he sees Taako. Taako, with a soft frown and softer words, leads him to Lup's quarters, where they curl up surrounded by her stuff, comforted by even the idea of her. Barry is snoring in seconds.

Lup used to guide Barry away from his work, gently shushing his protests. He'd been  _ so close to the right formula, Lup  _ and  _ only needed five more minutes, trust me. _ He seemed to always only need five more minutes.

Lup used to always be the one to look after Barry. He always looked out for everyone else, asking them how they were holding up and if they'd eaten. Lup loved him enough to be the one to care for him.

Taako doesn't wonder what life will be like without Lup as he and Barry curl up together, leaving a Lup-sized gap between them. The whole crew is the same - it's not that they're avoiding thinking about it, just that they  _ can't. _ Taako and Lup are so integral to each other's very personality that they can't comprehend one being without the other.

Lup and Barry being apart is heart-wrenching but still plausible. It's easy for them to picture Barry a mess without Lup - they hardly even have to imagine with him falling apart in front of their eyes - but Taako alone? It's unimaginable.

(Right up until the point when they  _ realize  _ and suddenly it's so real, like everything has shifted into focus, and the world falls down around them.)

Taako falls asleep worrying for Barry and wakes aching for Lup. This feels different to every time she's died before; there is no assurance she'll come back, no big timer counting down the days or weeks or months until he can see her again.

Once he is awake, he lays in bed for a long time, thinking and feeling nothing save for a dull sort of longing. He figures he should be more upset than he is but even that is a washed-out grey. He waits until the feeling returns to his toes and mind before hauling himself up tossing on Lup's favourite top - the one with the ‘rad’ stripes - from the floor. It still smells like her.

Lethargically, he tries to get ready. He flinches when he walks in and sees Lup staring back at him. It takes a few seconds to register the long, bleached-blond hair and wide tooth gap as his own.

The reflection - not quite Lup, but if he squints it maybe could be - mimics his expression as he stays, transfixed, staring at Lup's features that gawk back at him. He contorts his face in an attempt to copy her expressions but they look tacky and fake, nothing more than impressions of her. What he wouldn't give to see her face just one more time.

Hours pass that Taako is barely aware of as he makes the most extravagant breakfast he can. The first batch of pancakes are inedible (by his standards anyway - he's pretty sure he could throw dirt on a plate and Magnus would eat it) but the rest are passable.

When he goes to wake up the rest of the crew, because there is way too much food from him to eat on his own, Barry is the last up. His hair sticks up in all direction and the bags under his eyes are still prominent but they have lessened from  _ seriously unhealthy  _ to  _ concerning but probably not life-threatening. _

Magnus and Davenport chat happily as they work their way through worryingly large stacks of pancakes, covered in a gross mix of sauces. Magnus has peanut butter, chocolate sauce and maple syrup. Taako doesn't even want to think about the monstrosity that are Davenport's pancakes but he thinks he saw the captain fishing the jar of Marmite from one of the cupboards.

It feels like Lup has died in one of their cycles - sombre but not unusual. She always has had a habit of disappearing without telling anyone (except Taako - she always tells Taako, a fact which he tries to ignore for the sake of his mental health).

#

Lup laughed and threw a fist in the air from her spot on Magnus' shoulders.

"I like it up here!" She beamed, voice vibrant and obnoxious. Her striped top caught and ruffled in the wind.

She smiled and they all smiled. She breathed and they all followed.

Her hair caught the golden light and transformed into a halo wreathing her head.

She was so, so happy so all the crew were joyous with her. Everyone had something they brought to the team and Lup bought life.

#

Taako and Barry are washing up after breakfast and Taako can't help but ask when he catches his reflection in a particularly shiny spoon. He has been collecting answers over the years, why not get the whole set?

"Do you think we're bad people?"

Barry shakes his head almost immediately, "No." He says, "She's not. She's can't- You're  _ not _ . The rest of the crew aren't. We gotta- We gotta trust that we're not, Taako. We're done. We've beat it, 'nd Lup'll be back soon, just liked she promised." He doesn't look up, just scrubs the pan more vigorously. "No."

_ Back soon.  _ She said, kissing Barry then Taako on the cheek before leaving on a mission with Magnus and returning two weeks later, close to death but still breathing.

#

 

_ Back soon.  _ With a wave and a flash of a smile before going to the shops.  _ Back soon.  _ As kids, Taako curled up on the ground clutching his broken ankle.  _ Back soon.  _ His aunt - the only adult they'd ever cared about - hours before she died. _ Back soon. Back soon. _

Years later, after forgettings and before the End Of The World, Taako picks up the umbrella that has just thrown Merle off and lighting crackles off his being, Fantasy Harry Potter getting his first wand style. He tests the weight experimentally and the red-wreathed skeleton seems to look up at him - Taako and Lup show off their new robes, casting spells to make the capes flutter and laughing so hard they cry - before disintegrating into a pile of ash.

"So now I have an umbrella."

_ Back soon. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Go hit me up at tumblr, I'm @soulsmadeofflames.  
> Please leave kudos and comments they make me v happy.


	7. Taako

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it yall. This took forever to write (I'm p sure I did most of it last christmas) I'm a mess but I'm really proud of how it turned out, hope you enjoy x

The apocalypse comes and goes and Taako does some mending and some fixing. And then he gets on a boat.

He spends months recovering with Davenport. He's only allowed to go with the promise that "No, it's fine Agnes, I'll just get Krav to teleport me back every week. Don't worry your little head - I'm not bailing on our lessons." but they spend well-deserved time rediscovering themselves and the world they have been forced to live in.

Davenport understands better than anyone else what Taako has been through. As much as he doesn't want to compare Davenport losing everything but his name to Taako losing his sister, they're pretty similar.

Once Taako has had enough of boats - because Taako cannot physically not get bored of everything he does - he and Kravitz buy a house. It's nice.

Nice. He never thought his life would be nice. Fabulous, yes. Super cool, definitely. Rad,  _ duh.  _ Rad or super cool or fabulous he can do; not nice. Never nice. Nice is mediocre and average and makes Taako feel sick to even think about.

But, somehow, he doesn't mind. Because Kravitz is nice, yes, but he is also brilliant and Taako is so in love that the way that Kravitz's eyes light up when he sees the small, white-picket-fence garden is enough. It's not the palace that Taako dreamed of having as a child but the high ceilings and spacious kitchen are nice. For once, nice is enough. (It helps that he knows they have plenty of time. He has years to win Kravitz over to marble-floored ballrooms and sprawling gardens.)

Much to Kravitz's delight, they do put a small picket fence up to separate it from the surrounding fields. They're in a secluded enough area not to have neighbors. They can always rift over to any town they want whenever they feel like it.

Taako is happy: happy staying at home cooking and going on double dates with Barry and Lup and having Magnus over on Friday afternoons to drop Angus off and stop for a cup of tea, like divorced parents on good terms.

Years pass, Taako and Kravtiz adamantly rejecting Magnus' best efforts to saddle them with a dog. Magnus and Lucretia grind to a halt and Agnus moves away to start a detective agency in Goldcliff. For years, Taako is contented with nice.

And then Taako is bored again.

So he buys a bakery on impulse and they move into the apartment above it, small and cramped and homely. Taako and Kravitz's clothes spill out the wardrobe and they are the most well dressed couple in Neverwinter.

Taako really embraces the high profile celebrity lifestyle. No matter the weather, he always wears sunglasses and there was somewhat of a scandal that he hired people to follow him pretending to be paparazzi but it was mostly ignored because he's  _ a bird. _

Of course, his bakery is the most successful in the planar system, partly because he's  _ Taako, y'know, from TV  _ and partly because his cakes are the damn best.

Agnus' feet swing as he sits on the counter. He's not small anymore, but Taako still like to pretend that he is. The kitchen is massive, big enough for his whole staff, but right now it's deserted, too late at night for anyone to be baking.

Well, anyone but Taako.

"What are we making?" Angus pauses, then imitates himself from all those years ago, his voice squeaky. "Sir?"

Taako laughs and flicks his long plait over a shoulder. "Macaroons, Agnes. Don't be an idiot."

Angus smiles and set to work. He's not remotely good at baking - no one is compared to Taako - but Taako likes to think he taught the boy enough that he survives on something better than Fantasy Ramen.

Angus chats happily about his newest case and Taako is happy to listen, even though he doesn't really absorb any of it. Taako doesn't transmute anything. Neither perform any magic other than mage hand. It's the main rule here and there's a massive sign that says it -  _ if you transmute, I will cut you  _ in large, looping letters - just to make sure the point got across.

The two almost dance around each other, familiar from years of experience. Angus does most the difficult work, with Taako mainly correcting him on his piping technique or smacking him lightly on the back of the head for over mixing.

They bake for hours, making trays upon trays of macarons. They're not as good as the ones that Taako and Lup used to bake with their aunt but they'll do for the morning, when they will be checked and put on display with some catchy name.

(The three rules:

  1. No transmutation.
  2. Everything is checked before it's sold
  3. Everything is fresh but nothing goes to waste. All their leftovers are donated to the nearby homeless shelter.)



Taako's life flies by.

He gets a palace, then a dog. One passes and the other is resold for millions extra as the  _ PREVIOUS HOUSE OF TAAKO TAACO, BIRD AND LEGEND! _

Before he goes, he calls Agnus, whose voice cracks with emotion. Taako calls him 'my boy' at least four times. The call ends with a choked "I love you, Taako."

Taako smiles, almost sad, and says, "Love you too, kiddo. I swear to god, though, if my funeral is shitty I will come back from the astral plane to magic missile your ass until you join me."

Angus laughs and the stone clicks off.

Barry walks him hand in hand to the astral plane. There, he sees Magnus (he's taller than Taako remembered, older, happier.) with an arm around Julia and Merle (he's even shorter than Taako remembered, younger, happier.), grinning with his kids. And Lucretia and Davenport and Carey and Killian and Sloane and Hurley and Ren.

And Lup beams, radiant, and Kravitz looks just like he did on their first date, brilliant, and Barry squeezes his hand, wonderful.

And, no Taako decides, they are not good people. They have suffered too much and lived too long to be good people. They can't be anymore.

But they are good enough.

And Taako doesn't even care about morality (They all hang there, frozen in time for a moment) because he is surrounded by almost all of the people he has ever cared for (until they collide in an epic group hug) and in years to come, they will all be here, all inevitably drawn to death like planets to their sun (and Taako is so happy and so loved and is loving so much).

Because this - this happiness of being with the one your love. It's worth sacrificing everything for: your morality, one hundred years, your life.

Tears shine in his eyes but he doesn't let them fall because then his mascara will run. He's crying not only from joy but because it took him so long to realize that his Heaven would not look like him and Lup, together, in front of everything they could ever want. It would look like this, a beautiful, sickening love-fest. How could it not?

He feels young, rejuvenated,  _ alive _ , which is so dumb because he has literally never been less alive.

_ Jeffandrew smiles, packs up his dice, collects his sheets and says, "See you next week, guys?" _

They are good enough.

_ The Raven Queen smiles, content that her bending the rules to accommodate for this moment was worth it. _

They are enough.

_ Istus smiles, her knitting gleaming white with love. She did not know that this was how her work would turn out but this is the best she could've hoped for. _

He is happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it folks! This was a really cool thing to write (wow, words) and I'm super proud of it so if you comment or kudos it that would make me very happy.  
> I'm @soulsmadeofflames on tumblr  
> thanks


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